|Ram Man's real name is Rammy Manirez. Seriously. I'm not making this shit up. Topps don't lie.|
Simple. You stayed up 'til midnight boozing, only to hear your 2012 Toronto Blue Jays failed to win the Yu Darvish sweepstakes, and are now down one marquee player.
Ok, they're not DOWN per se (they didn't lose Bautista) but thanks to our reliable traditional media friends (found here, here and here) we all expected the Jays to land the best pitcher the world has ever seen, so it kinda feels like we're down.
So who/what do the Jays do now? Well a lot of people are talking a lot of Manny Ramirez. And maybe that's the logical next step. His performance enhancing drug suspension has come to an end, and he has stated his intention to return to the game. The very same game that helped pay for his legal fees after this incident.
Wait... I apologize, that was in bad form.
But come on, who am I kidding, Toronto loves their athletes most when they have a history of domestic violence.
So the big question now: "Should the Jays sign Man Ram?"
And the logical extension to this question: "Should the Jays sign Masters of the Universe character Ram Man instead?"
Well, read on to see a few thoughts on who can offer more to Anthopoulos and his mighty Jays.
1. Who wears the Uniform better?
This one is pretty easy to answer. Below is a picture of Man Ram wearing a blue jersey. He's looking okay, but not nearly as good as Ram Man looks whilst rocking the new uni.
|Is it just me, or does this pic give you an intense Candy Maldonado vibe?|
Winner: RAM MAN
2. Who will be better on the field?
Well in the interest of a fair argument, lets pretend that both Man Ram and Ram Man will primarily be playing DH, with some work in LF.
Manny Ramirez is perhaps the WORST left fielder in the history of baseball.
The man looks about as engaged as I did playing left field.
When I was 6.
In Canadian house league.
Look at the below video. I half expect him to start picking grass and smelling his fingers.
Because that's what 6 year old me would do.
That being said, Ram Man is a fictional character.
He has no baseball experience, and quite frankly can't play baseball.
Although he does have extendable legs.
And though these stretchy legs are able to conquer evil, I'm not sure how much they'll help in baseball (also, is it just me, or does the Dad in the below commercial look like John McDonald or Steve Carell?)
Winner: MAN RAM (because he's like, you know, real)
3. Who'd be better for the Jays at the plate?
I'm not John Farrell, but if the Jays were to sign Man Ram, I assume Farrell would slot him behind Bautista in the line-up (either 4th or 5th).
Career-wise, Man Ram has some pretty impressive numbers: .4106 OBP (32nd all-time), .5854 slugging average (9th all-time), .3122 batting average (87th all-time).
Now imagine those numbers behind Bautista (as opposed to Adam Lind) and suddenly the Jays offence looks a little intimidating.
Of course that's assuming the 38 year old Ramirez still gots it. Especially without the juice.
Now Ram Man... well again, he's a fictional character.
Seriously, why would you push for him in the first place?
Winner: MAN RAM
4. If they were around back in the day, when the Jays were actually good, who would they be?
Man Ram is a loose cannon. He's got a bit of attitude. He's not afraid to tell it like it is.
He could be Rickey Henderson when he was a Jay, circa 1993. He could also be Atlas, from the Canadian television show "Catwalk", which premiered in 1992, the first year the Jays won the series. Coincidence? I'll let you decide:
|Apparently if you stare at Rickey Henderson's wrinkled face long enough, a 3D image will appear|
John Olerud always wore a helmet.
|Sadly enough, inanimate action figure "Ram Man" has shown more personality than Olerud ever has|
Winner: RAM MAN
5. How will they impact the bottom line?
Ebay shows a vintage Ram Man action figure goes for $29.00. Like Man Ram, Ram Man has been used previously.
Man Ram's last contract was for $2 million (for one year with the Rays). He'll likely go for a bit less than that, considering his age and the controversy surrounding him.
Let's say he's $1,000,000 for a year.
He's still $999,971 more than Ram Man.
Winner: RAM MAN
Ram Man won 3 of the 5 categories, but...
Man Ram has a pre-existing relationship with John Farrell, and can be obtained on the cheap.
Also, Man Ram is real.
MAN RAM (once again, because he's real. Having said that, I don't think anyone really wants Man Ram on the Jays. We all know we'd prefer Prince Fielder.)